


Seniors' Night Out

by terezis



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gambling, Gen, Illegal Activities, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Use, Innuendo, Mixed Media, also featuring some suspiciously named npcs, kravitz just wanted to play bingo, media fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:48:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26018290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/terezis/pseuds/terezis
Summary: At the request of the Bureau of Benevolence Security Department, the following files have been selected for permanent decommission and will be sealed under the Voidfish Act of 0001-ASAS [H.R. 413-69A]. Unlawful possession and distribution of these materials will result in prosecution.Or: an evening out on the town, but for foxy grandpas only.
Relationships: Davenport & Kravitz (The Adventure Zone), Davenport & Merle Highchurch, Davenport & Merle Highchurch & Kravitz (The Adventure Zone), Merle Highchurch & Kravitz
Comments: 56
Kudos: 169





	Seniors' Night Out

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AsimovSideburns](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AsimovSideburns/gifts).



> Inspired by a prompt from [asimovsideburns](http://asimovsideburns.tumblr.com) on Tumblr! With special thanks to [radialarch](http://radialarch.tumblr.com/) and [wafflelate](http://wafflelate.tumblr.com) for sharing their work skins with their adoring public.

###  **WAVECREST MILITIA INTAKE FORM XXX-A1**

**INTAKE DATE:** 08/17/0002-ASAS

**INTAKE TIME:** 2:34 am

**ARRESTING OFFICER:** Lt. Det. Travis

**NAME:** Kravitz (no last name given)

**GENDER:** Male

**ANCESTRY:** Half-elf

 **AGE:** 1,533

**DOB:** Unknown

**ADDRESS:** 23W Oak Street, Neverwinter, Southern Sword Coast, 12291-1334

**SOF FREQUENCY:** FM-105.9

**OFFENSES:** Trespassing; petty theft; public intoxication; conspiracy to promote gambling at Wavecrest City Center’s Biweekly Bingo Night; conspiracy to commit fraud at Wavecrest City Center’s Biweekly Bingo Night; possession of an unregistered weapon suitable for combat; unlawful use of divine magic to evade city police; conspiracy to poach wildlife from the local boardwalk—three crows ( _corvus bennetti_ ), nine seagulls ( _larus argentatus_ ), and five fish _(ariopsis felis)_

**NOTES** : Claims date of death was approx. 1,500 years ago; arrested with Merle Highchurch and Drew Davenport

  


###  **WAVECREST MILITIA INTAKE FORM XXX-A2**

**INTAKE DATE:** 08/17/0002-ASAS

**INTAKE TIME:** 2:49 am

 **ARRESTING OFFICER:** Lt. Det. Travis

**NAME:** Merle Highchurch

**GENDER:** Male

**ANCESTRY:** Dwarf, beach

 **AGE:** 268

**DOB:** 04/09/9153 (TWOSUN CALENDAR)

**ADDRESS:** 36 Buffett Drive, Tidepeak, Bottlenose Cove, 11435

**SOF FREQUENCY:** FM-103.3

**OFFENSES:** Trespassing; public intoxication; public indecency; accessory to petty theft; conspiracy to promote gambling at Wavecrest City Center’s Biweekly Bingo Night; conspiracy to commit fraud at Wavecrest City Center’s Biweekly Bingo Night; criminal possession of forged materials; fishing without a license; unlawful use of divine magic to evade city police; conspiracy to poach wildlife from the local boardwalk—three crows ( _corvus bennetti_ ), nine seagulls ( _larus argentatus_ ), and five fish (a _riopsis felis)_ ; unlawful use of magic to impede arrest

**NOTES** : Shirt and pants were confiscated as evidence (see form XXX-B); was given clothing from the lost and found to wear while in holding

Arrested with Drew Davenport and Kravitz (no last name given)

  


###  **WAVECREST MILITIA INTAKE FORM XXX-A3**

**INTAKE DATE:** 08/17/0002-ASAS

**INTAKE TIME:** 2:57 am

**ARRESTING OFFICER:** Lt. Det. Travis

**NAME:** Drew Davenport

**GENDER:** Male

**ANCESTRY:** Gnome

**AGE:** 233

**DOB:** 08/28/9188 (TWOSUN CALENDAR)

**ADDRESS:** N/A; lives on boat

**SOF FREQUENCY:** AM-156.45

**OFFENSES:** Trespassing; public intoxication; conspiracy to promote gambling at Wavecrest City Center’s Biweekly Bingo Night; conspiracy to commit fraud at Wavecrest City Center’s Biweekly Bingo Night; disorderly conduct in the presence of the elderly; accessory to petty theft; operating a boat under the influence; conspiracy to poach wildlife from the local boardwalk—three crows ( _corvus bennetti_ ), nine seagulls ( _larus argentatus_ ), and five fish _(ariopsis felis)_

**NOTES** : ~~Complimented my~~ ~~moustache~~ ~~!!!~~ ~~ _Squee!!!_~~

_Lieutenant, in the future, please keep notes relevant to the incident reports. Thank you – Cpt. Cpt. Griffin_

Arrested with Merle Highchurch and Kravitz (no last name given)

  


###  **WAVECREST MILITIA REPORT FORM XXX-B**

**CASE #:** 0069

**DATE RECORDED:** 08/17/02-ASAS

**TIME RECORDED:** 4:23 AM

**REPORTING OFFICER:** Lt. Det. Travis

**APPROVING OFFICER:** Cpt. Cpt. Griffin

**DATE OF INCIDENT(S):** 8/16/02-ASAS through 08/17/02-ASAS

**TIME OF INCIDENT(S):** Multiple incidents occurred between the hours of 7:00 PM on 8/16 and 2:00 AM on 8/17; suspects were apprehended at approximately 1:57 AM on 8/17

**LOCATION OF INCIDENT(S):** Wavecrest City Recreation Center (Hall C); Redcheek Beach (née Starsettler Cove) and the surrounding docks

**TYPE OF INCIDENT(S):** See intake forms XXX-A1 through XXX-A3 for charges

**OFFENDING PARTIES:** Merle Highchurch, Drew Davenport, Kravitz (no last name given)

**DETAILS OF EVENT:** The following documents contain excerpts of transcribed interview conducted by the Wavecrest militia with the suspects following their arrest.

CLINT: Holy _shit_. Holy shit! I can’t believe this.

DAVENPORT _[rubbing his forehead]:_ Yeah, you’re not the only one.

CLINT: You’re really him! Captain Davenport! _Wow. [Officer Officer_ _Clint_ _leans back in their chair. It squeaks audibly.]_ I thought Lieutenant Detective Travis was trying to zag on me. He’s always making stuff like this up.

DAVENPORT: That so. 

CLINT: Do you think I could get an autograph? If you don’t mind. I’m a big fan. I mean— _[_ _Officer Officer Clint_ _coughs and glances down at the Gem of Transcription on the table. When they speak again their voice is noticeably lower_ _in pitch_ _.]_ Uh, I mean, Captain Davenport, sir, you’ve been accused of… _[_ _They_ _look over the rap sheet in front of_ _the_ _m.]_ Wow, a lot of stuff. Do you want to tell me how you ended up getting arrested by the lieutenant detective?

DAVENPORT _[sighing]_ : It’s kind of a long story. Do you think I could get a glass of water? I feel a hangover coming on.

CLINT: Of course! I mean, _[noticeably less eager]_ of course. 

#

GRIFFIN: Mister Highchurch, sir, would you mind telling me—

HIGHCHURCH: I ain’t talkin’ to _nobody_ without my damn _lawyer!_

GRIFFIN: Mister Highchurch—

HIGHCHURCH _[testily]_ : That’s _Earl_ Mister Highchurch to _you._

GRIFFIN _[sighing]_ : Earl Highchurch, sir, when you sat down you told me that you would be representing yourself?

HIGHCHURCH: Oh! Yeah. _[He makes a whistling sound through his teeth.]_ Lawyers. Can’t trust ‘em!

GRIFFIN: Right. As I was saying—you were arrested by Lieutenant Detective Travis at the docks just before two in the morning, after quite a lengthy chase. Is that correct?

HIGHCHURCH: Yeah, that fella’s got some legs on ‘im! Probably woulda caught us a lot sooner if it weren’t for Kravvy-boy’s, well—you know. __

_[He mimes a swinging motion with both hands, nearly falling out of his chair in the process.]_

GRIFFIN: Ah, yes. So he did teleport your group away, then? _[He makes a note on the pad in front of him.]_ I hope your friend knows it's illegal to pack heat without a license. _Especially_ magical heat. He should have declared it upon arrival—but that's neither here nor there, I suppose.

HIGHCHURCH _[laughs]:_ Yeah, s’not my problem!

GRIFFIN _[amused]_ : No, you’ve got plenty of problems of your own, I think.

HIGHCHURCH: Hah! Tell me about it, brother.

GRIFFIN: Travis was chasing you three—well, for a number of reasons, but primarily because you’d been seen in the area of a reported theft. A man fitting your friend’s description was seen stepping through a rift in space and onto a houseboat, at which point he apparently stole a number of items off their laundry line.

HIGHCHURCH _[eyes wide, hands under his chin, as if enraptured]_ : Oh, wow, did he?

GRIFFIN: Shabrie Keene told the officers on the scene that her family was down one lime green button-down shirt and and matching a pair of pajama pants. The pants were a children's size nine; they were adorned with fish in a myriad of colors.

HIGHCHURCH: Stylish kid!

GRIFFIN: Earl Highchurch, would you care to remind me what you were wearing when you were arrested?

HIGHCHURCH _[without missing a beat]_ : Eh, just a pair of jammies with some fish on 'em. Little big in the waist. Real comfy, though. Nice fabric. High thread count. Made me feel like some kinda prince. _[There's a pregnant pause. Griffin stares.]_ Oh, hey! What a coincidence. 

GRIFFIN: Mister—Earl Highchurch, were you or were you not wearing the outfit that Mister Kravitz stole?

HIGHCHURCH: Oh. Yeah!

GRIFFIN: _Why?_

HIGHCHURCH: Well, I woulda been naked otherwise. _[He chuckles.]_ Krav didn’t like that. _[Highchurch leans forward and puts a hand to one side of his mouth, as if to whisper conspiratorially._ _]_ He’s kind of a prude.

_[Griffin makes another note on his pad.]_

GRIFFIN: —aaand that would be the public indecency. Why were you naked? What happened to your clothes?

_[Highchurch shrugs.]_

HIGHCHURCH: Lost ‘em.

GRIFFIN _[after a beat]_ : You… sorry, you _lost_ your clothes?

HIGHCHURCH: Yeah. Sometimes a guy just need to strip down to his birthday suit, you know, get in touch with nature,

GRIFFIN _[under his breath]_ : _—were touching something, alright—_

HIGHCHURCH: —embrace your inner seaman,

GRIFFIN: Are you doing this on purpose?

HIGHCHURCH: You know, enjoy a little mooning!

GRIFFIN: I—excuse me?

HIGHCHURCH: Yeah, I love watchin’ the moon. Didja notice it was full tonight?

GRIFFIN _[flatly]_ : Which one?

#

JUSTIN: Sir, your friends—

KRAVITZ _[in a thick British accent]_ : Friends is—it’s a bit of a strong word, wouldn’t you say? I—

JUSTIN: Your… _accomplices_ have already confirmed that you were the one who trespassed on the Keenes’ houseboat and stole their son’s laundry. You caused quite a ruckus.

KRAVITZ _[embarrassed]_ : I’m usually much better at holding my wine.

_[Justin makes a note on his pad.]_

JUSTIN: Right, about that. It says here that your blood alcohol level was 0.736%? Frankly, sir, with a level like that I’m surprised you aren’t dead.

KRAVITZ: Listen, I—I’m a man of the law myself, you see—this really isn’t… I don’t usually do this, but— _[His accent grows progressively shittier as he continues to speak.]_ I so rarely get a night out with the boys. Things just got a bit out of ‘and, and—I don’t suppose you and your lot could just let this one _go?_ As a favor to a fellow officer?

_[Note: phonetically, this was pronounced “fay-vah to a fellow off-iss-ah?” At this point he really was exceptionally British.]_

JUSTIN: Unfortunately, sir, the Keenes _will_ be pressing charges. That shirt was Phandolinian silk.

KRAVITZ: Oh, but I’m sure it’s—

JUSTIN: Covered in bird feces? Yeah. The Wavecrest Humane Society is also a bit concerned with your actions tonight, Mister Kravitz.

KRAVITZ: It was only three crows! We were going to put them back!

JUSTIN: And the seagulls, sir?

KRAVITZ: I—okay, that one, that one’s on me. I didn’t specify what kind of feathers I needed for _Commune_. But it was an emergency! Merle had been missing for _forty minutes._ He wasn’t even wearing any—

_[Kravitz shudders.]_

KRAVITZ: —we went back to the beach after the coast was clear, and all we found were his _clothes_.

#

CLINT _[glancing over a sheet of paper]:_ Now, it says here that you lured the seagulls towards the boardwalk with... oh, you went to the Sea Shack? I love their triple chili cheese fries!

DAVENPORT _[wearily]:_ Yeah, the seagulls did, too.

#

JUSTIN: Ms. Smirl from the Department of Parks and Recreation has said that she won’t press charges if you and your accomplices pay to have the boardwalk cleaned. Do you think you’d be able to afford the 2,500 GP?

KRAVITZ _[nervously]_ _:_ Would she accept several cursed broaches?

#

HIGHCHURCH: Yeah, I was fishing over by West Cove! Good pickings over there. Lots of trout.

GRIFFIN: Is that an admission of guilt, Earl Highchurch? Fishing without a permit is illegal in the city of Wavecrest.

HIGHCHURCH: Aw, what? But I was hungry!

_[Griffin glances longsufferingly at the Gem of Transcription. _]__

__

HIGHCHURCH: Hey, did you know Grim and the cap’n got cheese fries without me? _[Indignantly]_ Didn’t even save me any! Fed the leftovers to some _birds._

__

GRIFFIN _[_ _dryly_ _]_ : You poor man.

__

#

__

DAVENPORT: Is my boat okay?

__

CLINT: The—haha, oh, man, The _Wavehumper?_ Is that really— _[Davenport raises a brow. Officer Officer Clint clears his throat.]_ Y-yes, Mister Cap’nport, sir, the Wavehumper is fine. The Wharf Guard brought it in after you and Mister Kravitz jumped out and decided to swim for it.

__

DAVENPORT: In my defense, I’d had a lot to drink. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

__

CLINT: Are you kidding? It sounded _amazing._ Like something you’d hear in the Story and Song. _[_ _Clint_ _glances down at the Gem of Transcription again.]_ I mean, uh—totally, _very_ illegal, sir. Operating a boat under the influence was a risky move. _[Apparently forgetting that the Gem of Transcription also records video, Officer Officer_ _Clint_ _mouths the word_ _s “so cool_ _” at_ _Cpt._ _Davenport.]_

__

DAVENPORT: No, yeah, I panicked. There were a _lot_ of guards.

__

CLINT: Yeah, the Wharf Guard don’t play. Honestly I’m kind of surprised they found you guys so quickly. Didn’t that Kravitz guy teleport you onto the boat from the beach? That’s like fifteen minutes from the docks.

__

DAVENPORT: I would’ve thought they’d go straight for Merle, to be honest with you. When we jumped through the portal he was still— _urgh_ , skinny dipping.

__

CLINT _[nodding]_ : Nobody really wanted to touch that.

__

DAVENPORT: Yeah, that’s fair.

__

#

__

JUSTIN: How exactly _did_ you end up at West Beach? It closes at six. The gates should have been locked.

__

KRAVITZ: Well, Davenport is quite good at picking those, and we needed somewhere to lay low for a bit, after… uh—

__

JUSTIN: After starting a riot at the rec center?

__

KRAVITZ: I wouldn’t call it a _riot_ , per say—

__

JUSTIN: Karina Mayweather seemed to think differently.

__

KRAVITZ _:_ Karina Mayweather is a _tyrant_ —

__

JUSTIN: She’s on the city council. She volunteers with the elderly fifteen hours a week. She was supervising Seniors’ Bingo Night at the time of her stone call?

__

KRAVITZ: Exactly! I was older than everyone in that room, and she _still_ tried to refuse me entry.

__

JUSTIN: Well, to be fair, you don’t look a day over thirty, sir.

__

KRAVITZ: I’m older than the _concept_ of driver’s licenses, Mister Juice. May I call you Juice? When I was Karina’s age, motorwagons were—they were naught but science fantasy.

__

_[Justin looks skeptical.]_

__

KRAVITZ: Anyways, Merle was the one who brought the fake IDs. _[He frowns.]_ I don't even know where he got that picture of me.

#

GRIFFIN: Where exactly did you get all that alcohol? Did you sneak it in? _[_ _W_ _ryly]_ My understanding is that Seniors’ Night is a dry event.

__

HIGHCHURCH: Oh, that was Reggie! Didn’t expect to see him there, but man, that guy _loves_ a good get-together.

__

GRIFFIN: We _do_ have an eyewitness testimony from a mister Reginald Fitzpatrick, but to be honest with you, it doesn’t seem… let’s just say I don’t think it’d be admissible in court. I wasn’t aware that the gods made a habit of visiting the Prime Material Plane, let alone for bingo.

__

HIGHCHURCH: Yeah, that’s what Krav said. Reggie told ‘im, “ain’t no party like a senior party.” Hah! _[Highchurch slaps his knee.]_ Ol’ Kravvy-boy couldn’t argue with that.

__

GRIFFIN: Is he the one who got the seniors drunk, then? Not that that’s a crime, necessarily – not that it’s _not_ a crime… but—call it professional curiosity.

__

HIGHCHURCH: Naw, Reggie only brought a six pack of Fantasy Four Loco. Old lady Camilla sneaks a bottle of tequila in with her oxygen tank every week.

#

CLINT: Is it true you outdrank the god of parties?

__

DAVENPORT: I mean, “god” feels like a bit of an exaggeration. _Merle_ has more party points than that guy.

__

CLINT _[delighted]_ : That’s not a no!

#

__

JUSTIN: Missus Mayweather let you in, though.

__

KRAVITZ _[reluctantly]_ : …she did.

__

JUSTIN: Would you like to tell me what happened after that? Because she accused your group of… quite a number of things, really—gambling… stealing from the elderly—

__

KRAVITZ _[offended]_ : I was not _stealing._ I won that twenty gold from Mister Goreclaw fair and square. It’s not _my_ fault he refused to take the L.

__

JUSTIN: Running a gambling ring out of Seniors’ Bingo Night isn’t really—it’s not really _kosher_ , though, Mister Kravitz.

__

KRAVITZ: Why? Everyone—I mean, everyone besides that sod Goreclaw—and Karina, I guess—they were all cool with it. The seniors were “down to clown,” as the kids say. Camilla won sixty gold!

__

JUSTIN: Vikram Goreglaw is pushing ninety and blind in one eye. You can see how one might think you were trying to take advantage, yes?

__

KRAVITZ: If anything, he was trying to take advantage of _me._ B-4. _Please_. They _never_ called B-4. _[Kravitz scoffs. Under his breath, he says]_ _B-4_ I shove my bingo card up your wrinkly—

__

_#_

__

CLINT: Well, I _think_ that’s everything… oh, but I do have one more question, if you don’t mind, Captain.

__

DAVENPORT _[waving a hand wearily]:_ Hit me.

__

CLINT: At the end there—who’s idea was it to sic the seagulls on the guards?

__

_[Davenport laughs.]_

__

DAVENPORT: I thought it might have given us a chance to make a run for it. Kravitz needed more room to summon his scythe, so we couldn’t teleport. All Merle had to do was conjure up some birdseed, and—well, those birds were _very_ hungry.

__

CLINT: And very incontinent.

__

DAVENPORT: Haha, yeah.

__

CLINT: Dry cleaning for days.

__

DAVENPORT: I was so preoccupied with making sure Merle didn’t run off again that I didn’t realize Lieutenant Detective Travis had us surrounded.

__

__

Upon arrest, Cpt. Drew Davenport, Dr. Merle Highchurch, MD, and Kravitz (no last name given) were held for questioning and then booked at the Wavecrest City Militia Outpost, where their bail was set at 5,000 GP each.

__

__

Requests made by Kravitz (no last name given) to commune with the Raven Queen by way of magic were denied, as the Wavecrest County Militia Outpost does not keep a stock of ravens’ feathers in steady supply. Requests made by Dr. Highchurch to “appropriate” feathers from the three crows in custody were denied, although Kravitz (no last name given) insisted that he would “ _only use the ones they’ve already shed, c’mon, you’re just going to throw them out otherwise, what a waste of perfectly good feathers.”_

The Stone of Farspeech calls between Cpt. Davenport and Director Lucretia (no last name given) have been redacted at the latter’s request, citing security concerns on the moon, but the conversations between Kravitz (no last name given) and Barry Bluejeans (née Sildar Hallwinter), Kravitz and Lup Taaco-Bluejeans, and Kravitz and Taako Taaco are also included below.

__

BLUEJEANS: Y'ello?

__

KRAVITZ: Barry! _Barry._ My good, good friend. My best - my best bud. How are you?

__

BLUEJEANS: Uh—fine? Kravitz? Where are you calling from? My stone didn't recognize your frequency, I almost didn't pick up.

__

BLUEJEANS: Krav?

__

KRAVITZ: Listen.

__

BLUEJEANS: I’m, uh—I’m listening, bud.

__

KRAVITZ: Barry, you can't tell the twins about this, okay? I need you to do me a solid. I need you to _promise_ me, Barold. As bros.

__

BLUEJEANS: I wasn't aware that we _were_... bros? I thought you were still mad about the—

__

KRAVITZ: What? Me? I'm not mad about the Cult of Grey! Who said—why would you think that?

__

BLUEJEANS: Well, uh, your voice is... pretty high right now, so—

__

KRAVITZ: That's just my— _[_ _Kravitz clears his throat. When he speaks again his voice is noticeably lower._ _]_ That's just my voice. _[_ _There’s a pause._ _He sighs.]_ Look, there's an obsidian circlet hanging in my office worth a few thousand gold—I need you to get it and come bail me out. I'm at the Wavecrest City Militia Outpost.

__

BLUEJEANS: Wh—

__

KRAVITZ _[speaking over him]:_ If you _come get and me,_ I will forget about that little grimoire bound in human skin that you stole from the cult. The one I was going to tell the Raven Queen about before your next quarterly review?

__

BLUEJEANS: You were going to—

__

KRAVITZ: But you _cannot tell_ _T_ _aako and_ _L_ _up_ _about this_. Okay? Barry, can you do that for me? They'd never let me live this down. _[_ _Kravitz pauses._ _]_ Oh, Davenport and Merle are here too.

__

_[Silence.]_

__

BLUEJEANS: …okay, well, I definitely want to hear all about this, uh, no doubt, but—sorry, bud, I'm kinda tied up here. No can do.

__

KRAVITZ: I'll also pretend I don't know about the cloning pod in your basement? The one you explicitly disobeyed orders to keep, because I told you to get rid of it half a year ago?

__

BLUEJEANS _[sheepishly]:_ You know about that?

__

KRAVITZ: You should know better than to keep your basement door unlocked.

__

BLUEJEANS: Right. I really can't help you, though, I’m— _hey!_ _Watch the_ —when I said tied up, I meant—I meant literally. I'm, uh... in the middle of a job? I think they're planning on sacrificing me to Kelemvor.

__

KRAVITZ: Uh?

__

BLUEJEANS: It's fine! No, it's fine, I’m just waiting for the leader to come back so I can, you know—cut off the hydra’s head before two more can grow in its place. I’m fine.

__

KRAVITZ: I don’t think that’s how that saying goes.

__

BLUEJEANS: You want me to call Lup for you?

__

KRAVITZ _[_ _sigh_ _ing]_ : No, it's fine. She's going to be insufferable about this. Letting me call collect is the least she can do.

__

#

__

KRAVITZ: Lup—

__

TAACO-BLUEJEANS: Well, well, _well_. If it isn't my favorite jailbird.

__

KRAVITZ _[_ _sighing_ _]:_ Barry called you?

__

TAACO-BLUEJEANS: Uh, _yeah_ , Barry called me. I'm charming the basement door, by the way. Next time you try to snoop it's gonna turn your hair blue.

__

KRAVITZ _[petulantly]:_ I think I'd look quite good with blue hair.

__

TAACO-BLUEJEANS: Fine! Aquamarine, then. So whaddja do?

__

KRAVITZ: Can't you just come and get me, and we can talk about it after?

__

TAACO-BLUEJEANS: Absolutely not. Come on, Krav, what did you _do?_ _[She snickers.]_ Goody two-shoes like you, I bet you turned yourself in for overdue library books or something.

__

KRAVITZ: This was a mistake.

__

TAACO-BLUEJEANS: Oh, yes.

__

KRAVITZ: Look, it's not a big deal, okay? There may have been some... _minor_ property damage. But I didn’t know Mister Goreclaw could still go into a frenzied rage at his age! I’m sure his hip replacement surgery will go _fine._

__

_  
_

****

__

_[Note: Lup Taaco-Bluejeans laughed him off the stone.]_

__

__

_[Note: At this point, Dr. Highchurch snatched the stone out of Kravitz's hands and proceeded to call Taako Taaco five times in rapid succession; Mr. Taaco did not answer his stone. Officer Officer Clint graciously allowed him to try a different frequency.]_

__

__

__

AUTOMATED VOICE: _Good evening. Y_ _ou_ _ha_ _ve reached the Director's office at Bureau of Benevolence’_ _s lunar_ _campus. Our operational hours are_ —

__

HIGHCHURCH: Oh, _madam!_

__

AUTOMATED VOICE: — _9 AM through_ —

__

HIGHCHURCH: Lucy, pick up! I know you're in the office, you never sleep. It's important!

__

AUTOMATED VOICE: — _6 PM daily. If no one is currently available to help you, please hang up and try again during_ —

__

HIGHCHURCH: You're killin' me, sister. Oh, kids these days... they don't call, they don't write... they don't answer the damn stone—

__

_[A click.]_

__

LUCRETIA _[amused]_ : You used your last _three_ as skipping stones, Merle. I'm not sure you have the moral high ground here.

__

HIGHCHURCH: I was tryin' to impress the kids! Mookie loves throwin' rocks at stuff.

__

LUCRETIA: I'm sure he does. _[She pauses; there's a_ _n extended_ _slurping noise, as if she is loudly drinking tea.]_ So what can I do for you?

__

HIGHCHURCH: Aw, 'creesh, can't a guy just call to shoot the shit? What're you up to?

__

LUCRETIA: Currently? Talking to you. Is everything alright, Merle? Do I hear—is someone groaning?

__

HIGHCHURCH: Yeah, that's Kravitz. No—quit it, you already got your one stone call! _Officer, tell 'im_ —

__

LUCRETIA _[concerned]_ : Kravitz? Why is—Merle, are you calling me from _prison?_

__

HIGHCHURCH: Well, see, I was hopin' you could pull a few strings for me an' the boys here, you know, use your political _cache_ as the Director to— _what!_ Don't gimme that look. What do you mean? Of course it's legal! She's the president!

__

LUCRETIA: That is not even remotely my job. Can you put Kravitz on the stone? Who else is there with you?

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HIGHCHURCH: Kravitz is a... little occupied at the moment? _Don't come cryin' to me when you get a concussion, buddy!_ Yeah, he's banging his skull against a wall.

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LUCRETIA: Yeah, no, that tracks. Listen—

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HIGHCHURCH: I'm mostly used to makin' my problems disappear with, uh— _[_ _w_ _hispering_ _loudly]_ murder. So if you're not busy, could you— _hey!_

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DAVENPORT: Hi, Lucretia? It's Davenport. Your former captain? Merle was just joking about leveraging the Bureau's power to get us out of jail, _yes, Officer, that's right_. We're at the Wavecrest Militia Outpost, just outside of Bottlenose Cove. Do you think you could come get us? Legally?

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LUCRETIA: The Bureau is actually—we’re halfway across the world right now. Stationed just above Greensboro. The soonest I could send someone out is tomorrow afternoon.

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DAVENPORT: Dunk.

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LUCRETIA: Merle may have a point, though… let me make some calls, and ███████████████ .

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DAVENPORT: ████████████████ ?

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LUCRETIA: █████████ .

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DAVENPORT: ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ .

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LUCRETIA: ███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ .

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CLINT: ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ ?

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LUCRETIA: ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ .

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CLINT: █████████████████████████████████████████████████ .

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LUCRETIA: ████████████████████████████████ .

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DAVENPORT: Alright. Thanks, Lucretia. I appreciate it.

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LUCRETIA: Of course, Captain. It’s the least I can do.

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KRAVITZ _[distantly]:_ Is this allowed?

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#

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TAACO: Jeezy creezy, _what?_

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KRAVITZ: Hello, love.

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TAACO: Kravitz? Baby, what the fuck? It's five in the morning. _[He yawns.]_ Actually, hey, weren't you supposed to be home, like, six hours ago? _[He pauses.]_ Why do I have a bunch of missed calls from Merle?

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KRAVITZ _[sheepishly]:_ About that.

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_[Note: portions of this transcript have been cut for brevity; upon hearing Kravitz’s explanation, Taako Taaco laughed him off the stone.]_

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**ACTIONS TAKEN:** Suspects were bailed out by Taako Taaco at 5:39 AM on 8/17/0002-ASAS. Charges made against Kravitz (no last name given) were thrown out on the grounds that he is legally dead and therefore cannot be tried in a court of law. Cpt. Drew Davenport and Dr. Merle Highchurch, MD, were cleared of all charges the following afternoon.

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**NOTES:** ~~Off the record: the Bureau of Benevolence made a donation of 420,000 GP to the Wavecrest City Story and Song Recovery Fund that morning on the condition that the local militia “lose this report.”~~

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~~This report will be summarily burned upon completion. - Cpt. Cpt Griffin~~

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**Author's Note:**

> davenport says: please do not operate a boat under the influence and then abandon it at sea in an effort to evade the local authorities. a good captain always goes down with his ship. except for when that captain is completely ass over kettle drunk
> 
> Please leave a kudos or comment if you enjoyed! I eat them for power. Alternatively you also may hit me up [@terezis](http://terezis.tumblr.com) on Tumblr and [@kravitaz](http://twitter.com/kravitaz) on Twitter.


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